Earth Calling
by Red Witch
Summary: Red and Purple get another report from Zim and learn more than they wanted to know about how things are going.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own anything of Invader Zim has been carried away by ants. Just a bit of madness from my mind. MADNESS! **

**Earth Calling**

Red overlooked the bridge of the Massive from where he stood. "Ah I love the sights of destruction in the morning. So what's our schedule for today?"

A shorter Irken read from the itinerary. "My Tallest. Today you have the Invasion of the planet Solon at nine. Snack time at ten. A teleconference meeting with the Geneticists of the Hatchery on new genetic ideas for new invaders at 11. Lunch at Noon. Review of the troops in Sector 8 at two. Massages at three. Reviewing the new flavors of donuts on planet Donutia at four and then dinner followed by snack time followed by a nice relaxing evening in your box office seats to watch the Flibble Disk finals. The Evil Weebles are playing our own Irken Invaders. We're scheduled to win 39 to 2."

"Ooh close game," Red said. "I look forward to that."

"Do we have to talk to those geneticists at the Hatchery?" Purple moaned. "It's always the same with those guys. We're gonna make the new smeets stronger and smarter. Breed out diseases. Need money because the smeets keep wrecking stuff blah, blah blah!"

"You have a point," Red frowned. He turned to the Invader. "Cancel our call with the geneticists. Tell 'em whatever they want to do is fine as long as they stay on budget. Then move up the review of the troops to next week so we can visit Donutia at eleven."

"But you already put off the review of the troops three times," The Invader with the schedule blinked.

"Well then this will be the fourth!" Red snapped. "Besides what's to review? I know Admiral Floo. If he says his troops are ready for invasions that's good enough for me! And now! Prepare to invade Solon!"

"Five minutes ahead of schedule," Purple looked at the clock. "What do we know about Solon anyway?"

"It's a planet made completely out of crystal with no life forms on it, Sir," Another invader informed him.

On the planet Solon three Invaders put up an Irken flag on a crystal field. "Success sir!" One Invader reported to the ship. "The planet Solon is ours."

"Yes!" Red cackled. "Another planet falls to the might of the Irken Empire!"

"Phew! I don't know about you but I am exhausted," Purple yawned. "Invading planets takes a lot out of you."

"I know. Better book some extra long massages today," Red nodded.

"Sir! We have an incoming transmission from Invader Zim," An Invader reported.

"So much for our nice quiet perfect day…" Red grumbled.

"Oh no…Not Zim **again**!" Purple moaned. "Can't we just use an answering machine or something?"

"You know that doesn't work," Red sighed. "He'll just keep calling back again and again and again until we pick up! Better to just suck it up and get it over with."

"Out of all the Invaders we send out he has to be the only one to actually call us on time with regular reports!" Purple complained. "Why can't he just slack off like all the other Invaders? Hey wait a minute, wasn't Invader Wak supposed to call us today and check in? His report on conquering Planet Voomer is way late!"

"Ah he probably got carried away in conquering and invading," Red waved. "Come on, let's just get this over with."

"I hate these calls!" Purple moaned. "Each call he makes is weirder and stranger than the last one!"

"Well he can't top the one with germy cheese, the block of ice and the flying moose that blew stuff up," Red said as he motioned for one of his minions to turn on the transmission from Earth.

"Wanna bet?" Purple gave him a look.

An image of Zim was on the transmitter. "Greetings my Tallest. It is I, Zim!"

"No really?" Red asked sarcastically and folded his arms. "I thought it was someone important."

"No, it is Zim!" Zim was oblivious to the insult.

"It certainly is," Red sighed. "What is now, Zim?"

"I thought I would inform you of my latest strategy to conquer the this miserable planet called Earth," Zim cackled. "And I will use it's downtrodden subjects to do so!"

"Oh this should be good," Purple folded his arms.

"Behold the ant! A poor defenseless insect life form the horrible stink beasts that live on this planet oppress!" Zim pointed to something that couldn't be seen. "But watch what happens when I increase it's size to a thousand percent!"

The ant grew until it was the size of a shoe. "Success! With my army of ants I shall soon conquer the Earth! Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Zim cackled.

"That's nice Zim," Red sighed. "Well I'll let you get back to…"

"And that's not the best part my tallest! I've even created my own air force!" Zim interrupted. "And I…"

Suddenly some large butterflies flew around in the background. They were also carrying stuff. "COME BACK WITH MY COUCH!" Gir screamed as he chased after them.

"Huh? What the…?" Zim turned around. "Hey! Put that back! Put it back! No! No! Knock it off!"

Several ants the size of shoes walked by carrying more things, like a refrigerator, chairs, food. "You! I did not give you any orders to do that!"

"No, I did," Zim's computer said. "I thought this place needed some redecorating."

"What? You do not give orders! You **obey** them! And how did you tell them to do anything?" Zim snapped at his computer.

"I learned their language," The Computer said. "This base is so gloomy. I think it needs some color. A little pizzazz!"

"The base is fine the way it is!" Zim shouted. "I have no problems with it!"

"That's because **you** aren't stuck here all day!" The Computer snapped. "Same gloomy walls and décor day after day! I want to design something that says: Hey! Look at me! I'm a secret base that's stylish as well as functional!"

"You've been watching those home design shows on the TV again haven't you?" Zim asked.

"So what if I have?" The Computer snapped. "I have to do **something** all day to entertain myself don't I? It's not like you pay attention to me anymore!"

"Oh not **this** again…" Zim groaned. "Computer, I am your master! You will stop acting stupid and do what I say! Do you hear me! I am your master!"

"That doesn't give you the right to be rude," The Computer told him.

"Give back my couch!" Gir was having a tug of war with the moths in the background.

"Okay. You were right," Red groaned. "This is definitely weirder than last time. I owe you stuff."

"You know I'm strangely curious to see what's going to happen next," Purple blinked.

"Yeah might as well see how this plays out," Red agreed. "Not like we have anything important to do today."

Meanwhile on Planet Voomer…

"Oh come on! Come on! Busy? How can an intergalactic signal be **busy?**" Invader Wak screamed as he tried to call the Tallest. "Get off the communicator! **Get off** the communicator!"

He banged on the console. "This is Invader Wak! I've been trying to call you guys for months and I keep getting a busy signal! I'm in real trouble here!" The Invader screamed in terror. "My cover's been blown! The Voomerians figured out that I wasn't one of them! They're after me! Please! Someone! Anyone **answer** me! WHY IS THIS CHANNEL ALWAYS BUSY WHEN I'M TRYING TO CALL HERE?"

CRASH!

Several giant furry beings with very sharp claws and big teeth broke their way into Wak's ship. "Oh no…" Wak whimpered.

Back on the Massive…

"And another thing! I'm sick of you just going out at all times without telling me where you are going to be!" The Computer snapped at Zim. "Not that I can't figure out where! It's that Dib again! Or more specifically **Dib's computer**!"

"I keep telling you I have to go over there and continually wipe off any proof of our existence!" Zim snapped. "It's for the mission!"

"Oh please! You think I was put together yesterday?" The Computer snapped. "I saw those specs you have of that silicon hussy! I know you've done computations and calculations on it!"

"Now you are being paranoid!" Zim snapped.

In the background Gir was shooting lasers out of his eyes attacking the ants and the moths. "FOR MY COUCH!" Gir screamed.

"Am I? I don't think so! Admit it! You're cheating on me!" The Computer said. "You don't love me anymore!"

"Of course I lo…" Zim caught himself. "I feel **nothing** for that computer! Nothing! It's all about the mission! The mission!"

"Well if your mission is to break my heart…" The Computer sniffed. "You've succeeded!"

"CHARGE!" Gir ordered in the background. Dozens of garden gnomes shot lasers at the large ants and moths. There was a mini battle in the background. "VICTORY IS GIR'S!"

"This is even weirder than I thought," Purple said as he watched while munching on some snacks. "It's disturbing…yet entertaining at the same time!"

"I want to look away…" Red was stunned. "But I **can't!**"

"Maybe I should start texting Dib? Ask him to come over and run a few diagnostic checks?" The Computer said sarcastically.

"You wouldn't **dare!**" Zim snarled.

"Maybe I would?" The Computer challenged.

"You would not!" Zim snarled.

"Would too!"

"Would not!"

"Would too!"

"Would not times infinity!"

"Would too times infinity plus infinity times infinity!" The Computer challenged. "I think I'll call him right now. Oh Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiibbbbbb!"

"NO! That is treason! **Treason!**" Zim started pounding on the computer. "You are begging to be dismantled!"

"You can dish it out but you can't take your own medicine can you?" The Computer challenged.

"You want medicine? Zim will **give** you medicine!" Zim stormed off.

"COUCH!" Gir happily jumped on the slightly singed couch in the background. Dead ants, moths and wrecked garden gnomes were all around him.

"HERE'S YOUR MEDICINE YOU STUPID COMPUTER!" Zim screamed as he carried a huge mallet.

"NO! DON'T! YOU WOULDN'T!" The Computer screamed.

"OH YES I WOULD!" Zim shouted as he brought the mallet down hard on one part of the computer.

"OW! YOU BRUTE! OW!" The Computer screamed.

"YOU WANT ANOTHER DOSE?" Zim prepared to bring the mallet down again when suddenly some disco music broke out. "Huh?"

A small flying moose flew around in the back. "How did **you** get out?" Zim shouted. "And what happened to my army? And why aren't the garden gnomes out front where they belong?"

There was the sound of an explosion. "Sweet googily moogily what is happening now?" Zim snapped. "Gir! Did you overload the microwave again?"

"Uhhhhh maybe?" Gir blinked.

GLUB! GLUB! GLUB!

"CHEESE!" Zim yelled as a wave of melted cheese started to seep through the room. "STUPID CHEESE!"

"My circuits are getting melty! MELTY!" The Computer yelled. "THIS IS WHY I SHOULD BE DIB'S COMPUTER!"

"Wanna bet you stupid…?" Zim raised the mallet again.

SLAM! SQUISH!

That's when the transmission ended.

"Did **any** of that make **any **sense to you?" Purple asked.

"Not a bit," Red groaned. "But at least we don't have to worry about Zim calling for another month."

"And for once Zim didn't screw anything up for us," Purple nodded. "So you wanna go check out those donuts now?"

"Might as well. Doesn't look like Wak is going to call us anyway," Red fumed. "What a lazy jerk! Somebody really needs to light a fire under that guy!"

Back on Planet Voomer…

"Look! This is just a huge misunderstanding!" Invader Wak pleaded as he was roasted on a spit over a huge fire. "Seriously! I'm not really an invader sent to take over your planet! Honest! Can't we talk this over? OW THAT'S HOT! NO! NOT THE BARBECUE SAUCE! ANYTHING BUT THE BARBECUE SAUCE! AAAAAHHHHHHH!"


End file.
